Beyond the Miscarriages

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.". I can tell you that there have been very dark times in my life where the devil tried to get me to doubt that verse.  I think the hardest times for me were my miscarriages.

You see, even though I am the youngest of six children, there is 10 years between me & my brother.  The age gap just goes up from there.  As a teenager, I always prayed that when I had kids that they would be close in age.  My brothers and sisters had each other to hang out with & help each other.  By the time I was in 2nd grade it was only mom & I living at home.
My husband and I had been married a little over a year when we found out that I was pregnant with our first child.  Excited doesn't even come close to describing it.  Two weeks overdue, she was born by emergency C-Section, but she was perfect.  In fact, she had daddy & pappy wrapped around her little finger even before we left the hospital.
She was about a year old when we started trying to give her a sibling.  However, after a year of trying, it was confirmed that I had stopped ovulating.  So I started taking Clomid.  It worked!  Two months after starting the Clomid I was pregnant.  Again, we were extremely happy.  However, that was short lived.  I miscarried at 8 weeks.  No one could tell us why. I just couldn't understand how a loving God could take that baby away from me.  He knew how desperately I wanted my children close in age, but now my daughter was already 3 years old.  

We tried the Clomid again and I got pregnant after only a few months.  This time I was 10 weeks when I miscarried.  I was heartbroken.

In the midst of my pain, God just kept telling me to be patient and trust Him.  I really struggled with this.  How could I trust God when He kept teasing me with pregnancy only to take the baby from me?

It was a rough and difficult road to recovery.  Not only did my body need to heal after 2 miscarriages in about 9 months, but my heart needed to heal too.  The anger and frustration had taken over.  I was downright mad at God.  He wasn't listening to me.

About a year and a half later, I found out I was pregnant again.  This time, I got pregnant without the use of any medications.  I was happy, but also scared.  What if I miscarry again?  I didn't think my heart could handle it again.  Later that year, our son was born 2 weeks early.  He was happy & healthy.  In fact, that boy is now 11 years old and taller than both my husband & I.

Since his birth, we have not been trying for another child.  However, we have not been preventing pregnancy either.  There have been 2 more miscarriages.  One I took a lot harder than the other (not quite sure why).  But I have to believe that God has a reason for everything.  I have to let go of the hurt & let my heart heal.

Would I welcome another child if God decided to bless me again, absolutely! But I am no longer desperately pleading with God for another child.  I no longer go into a downward spiral every month when I get my period.

Have I forgotten any of those babies that I never got to hold in my arms?  No.  I try to picture my mom, my husband's mom, and other family members in heaven rocking & loving on my babies.  They will forever be a part of my heart.

I am far from perfect.  I struggle to understand God's plan for my life.  How is my broken heart part of His master plan?  However, I know that He holds my future.

Are you struggling?  Leave me a message to tell me how I can pray for you.